Maybe I’m callous, maybe not, but this is really unfortunate. You are not my example, so don’t get wonked…

I think the problem of unwanted children is a major issue, here and everywhere else. It is unwanted children who contribute to the poverty of their unprepared parents. It is unwanted children who are eventually either loved, cherished, abused, beaten, or all of the above. It is unwanted children who are thrown into war because they want so badly to escape their current situation. It is unwanted children who, ultimately, whether rich or poor in upbringing, lead a lower quality life than kids who are wanted.

It is not fair to bring children into a world that they are not cherished and loved for the possibilities that they can bring to the world. It isn’t fair to them to have their spirit crushed by harsh realities. I’d rather they not be here at all than to be crushed up and spit out by the system in place for the ‘unplanned’.

First, when they had the separation hearing and asked who I wanted to live with. I said my mom, and they put me out for fostering.

The second time was right before the adoption hearing. They asked if I wanted to be adopted by my foster parents. I was 10 at the time and told them definitely NOT. I didn’t even want to live with them because they were abusive. Twenty minutes later the adoptions papers were signed.

Even if asked, kids are not necessarily hear.

I get SO griped about the adoption issue because it hits so many other issues - like “right to life” though once you are born they don’t seem to care. Or who is “adoptable” and who isn’t. Or “aging out of the system. Or children as property to be conveyed from one owner to another. Or the racist and culturally destructive aspects of the whole process.

Well, I’ll stop before I roll too far. Thanks for discussing it and it was a great paper that you wrote!

you’ve really touched upon a subject that i feel really strongly about with regards to the paternalistic nature of the way in which we go about adoptions in this country… don’t even get me started on transracial adoptions. but, from what i understand about the psychology of adoptees, 99.99% of the time, they would prefer to be with their birth parents…

(nicetomeetchooze)

thank you for sharing, and for emphasizing a problem people like to pretend doesn’t exist.

Emily, thanks for sharing this. I think you are right to wonder what role, if any, young people are allowed to play in determining their own fate.

My ex and I got involved in an adoption back in 1995. The birth father was a manipulative man with a history of domestic violence; he had had an affair with this very nice young woman (both were married to other people) and had gotten her pregnant. She wanted to give the baby up for adoption; he tried to block the adoption. We adopted the baby from her at birth. The birth father fought it. We were in court for three years, but we finally prevailed. When it was all done, we realized our marriage had no future and we split up, but we kept working together to raise Daniel.

My own childhood wasn’t perfect either. Mom was mentally ill, and she drank. She finally went on the wagon, but she was still very disturbed and often emotionally abusive. My sister had substance abuse problems too, and died at the age of 28 (some twelve years ago now).

The good news is that Daniel (who turns nine in December) is a terrific little guy and I think he’s going to be OK. He lives with his mom in San Francisco and I visit with him as often as I can. He’s coming up to Portland for Thanksgiving weekend.

I don’t know if there’s a lesson in all of this, except that growing up can be really, really tough, and I don’t think our institutions understand this very well. I’m glad you were able to be re-united with your mother - even flawed parents often have a lot to offer. (I try to keep that in mind when I think what a terribly “flawed” parent I must be.) Your harsh experiences with foster care have clearly left you with a special understanding of the needs of foster kids, and I am certain that someone of your sensitivity will be able to make very positive contributions in this field.

Again, thanks for posting this, and all the best to you.