Comments on: all this talk of marriage… http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/ ...reverberating Fri, 18 May 2012 06:38:00 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.0.4 by: Calichick http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6867 Wed, 03 Mar 2004 03:11:08 +0000 http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6867 Emily - While I only know you thru your blog, it seems you have a fantastic, loving relationship with the guy of your dreams. As for marriage, if you want to, do it on yours and Jeremy's terms and only your terms. If you chose not to marry, don't. When it comes down to it, it should be about what is important to the both of you...and the doggies of course :-) What ever you choose to do, my very best to you! I love your blog and while I don't always agree with you, you present your thoughts in such a clear, rational and logical way that is so refreshing! Yah, I know I am slightly off the marriage topic, but decided to cover all my bases at once! :-) Emily - While I only know you thru your blog, it seems you have a fantastic, loving relationship with the guy of your dreams. As for marriage, if you want to, do it on yours and Jeremy’s terms and only your terms. If you chose not to marry, don’t. When it comes down to it, it should be about what is important to the both of you…and the doggies of course :-)

What ever you choose to do, my very best to you! I love your blog and while I don’t always agree with you, you present your thoughts in such a clear, rational and logical way that is so refreshing!

Yah, I know I am slightly off the marriage topic, but decided to cover all my bases at once!

:-)

]]> by: Christine http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6866 Sat, 28 Feb 2004 22:51:18 +0000 http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6866 Emily Will add my two cents. Mike and I met through a WW ad that I placed 7yrs ago in March. We met on May 1st, we dated for 2 years, cohabitated for 3 before he proposed....we were married in Dec 2002! I can say I have never been happier.... I did keep my last name, for a variety of reasons, some of which you spoke of. We had a small, simple wedding for only those people who truly mattered to us....counting us and the minister....43 in all. We had a wedding/luncheon/reception. We asked people to donate to the food bank and Mercy Corp in lieu of gifts to us! NO family came altho some were invited.....which I must say was the best gift of all....we created our own vows, we had others take photos with throw away cameras and I had a friend video tape much of the proceedings, I wore RED and we had candles and holly on the tables instead of flower arrangements that would only die. We hired a harpist and the minister, I created my own invitations....I think we spent somewhere in the neighborhood of $1500 for it all....it was really wonderful and just what I wanted. So, the point....do what makes you two happiest.....the others will move on with their lives either with a resentment or not....if you are paying for it....create the memories that you want NOT what they want.....they are already married.... God bless.... Christine Emily
Will add my two cents. Mike and I met through a WW ad that I placed 7yrs ago in March. We met on May 1st, we dated for 2 years, cohabitated for 3 before he proposed….we were married in Dec 2002! I can say I have never been happier….

I did keep my last name, for a variety of reasons, some of which you spoke of. We had a small, simple wedding for only those people who truly mattered to us….counting us and the minister….43 in all. We had a wedding/luncheon/reception. We asked people to donate to the food bank and Mercy Corp in lieu of gifts to us! NO family came altho some were invited…..which I must say was the best gift of all….we created our own vows, we had others take photos with throw away cameras and I had a friend video tape much of the proceedings, I wore RED and we had candles and holly on the tables instead of flower arrangements that would only die. We hired a harpist and the minister, I created my own invitations….I think we spent somewhere in the neighborhood of $1500 for it all….it was really wonderful and just what I wanted.

So, the point….do what makes you two happiest…..the others will move on with their lives either with a resentment or not….if you are paying for it….create the memories that you want NOT what they want…..they are already married….

God bless….
Christine

]]> by: pdxkona http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6865 Thu, 26 Feb 2004 21:27:08 +0000 http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6865 well if you don't want to think of being married in the legal sense, don't. i think marriage is not necessarily a self serving act; i think it mostly constitues the feeling that you have something wonderful and want to share that realization with friends. it can be a social construct- wanting to create something sacred within your community (friends, family, etc.) an analogy- remember those guys in high school who when called a 'fag' or 'gay', would freak out or turn red or exhibit some kind of 'embarrassment' behaviour? but then there were other guys who would just shrug and continue on with their day. i always found the latter gentlemen to have found themselves. they were comfortable with their sexuality, whatever it was. they knew who they were. society and 'societal expectations' are just us-human beings making it up as we go along. it's not whether we conform or not, it's whether we are doing what we believe in. and if that happens to fall in with what current society deems 'normal', so be it. for my friends who have gotten married, they all wanted to create something sacred; for themselves and for their community. they were ready to think of marriage on their own terms. they were aware of all of the history construed with 'wearing white', aware of the societal expectations, and still deciding at the end of the day that that was what they actually wanted; to wear white. they knew who they were. well if you don’t want to think of being married in the legal sense, don’t. i think marriage is not necessarily a self serving act; i think it mostly constitues the feeling that you have something wonderful and want to share that realization with friends. it can be a social construct- wanting to create something sacred within your community (friends, family, etc.)

an analogy-
remember those guys in high school who when called a ‘fag’ or ‘gay’, would freak out or turn red or exhibit some kind of ‘embarrassment’ behaviour? but then there were other guys who would just shrug and continue on with their day. i always found the latter gentlemen to have found themselves. they were comfortable with their sexuality, whatever it was. they knew who they were.

society and ’societal expectations’ are just us-human beings making it up as we go along. it’s not whether we conform or not, it’s whether we are doing what we believe in. and if that happens to fall in with what current society deems ‘normal’, so be it.

for my friends who have gotten married, they all wanted to create something sacred; for themselves and for their community. they were ready to think of marriage on their own terms. they were aware of all of the history construed with ‘wearing white’, aware of the societal expectations, and still deciding at the end of the day that that was what they actually wanted; to wear white. they knew who they were.

]]> by: Jeremy http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6864 Wed, 25 Feb 2004 22:41:58 +0000 http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6864 One of the three sides (yes three) of my family is (in)famous for having people dating for up to seven years before getting married. I wish there was a way to get the legal rights of marriage (hospital visits and to a much lesser degree the tax break) without having to marry. Having said that if we were to get married, nearly everyone would be ok with having a small wedding party and a big reception. One of the three sides (yes three) of my family is (in)famous for having people dating for up to seven years before getting married. I wish there was a way to get the legal rights of marriage (hospital visits and to a much lesser degree the tax break) without having to marry.

Having said that if we were to get married, nearly everyone would be ok with having a small wedding party and a big reception.

]]> by: Sara http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6863 Wed, 25 Feb 2004 14:44:12 +0000 http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6863 I thought of more stuff to say! 1. I kept my own name. I am a Daley and always will be. 2. About having a large family...you could try the going somewhere far away technique and then inviting people, or you could just rent a whole bunch of chairs, have a backyard ceremony and then feed everybody punch or something and call it a night! The point, after all, IS the ceremony. Everybody just hung out with us the rest of the time they were in Oregon. It was much more fun just doing whatever (watching old home videos, going to the park, etc.) than having all the dancing and the hullabaloo) 3. I didn't do the whole bridesmaid thing. Instead I just had my sister hold the rings and then bring them up and my cousin and Dan's sister were the official witnesses. So the moral of this story (hee hee) is even if you had a lot of family it could still be done simply :) I thought of more stuff to say!
1. I kept my own name. I am a Daley and always will be.
2. About having a large family…you could try the going somewhere far away technique and then inviting people, or you could just rent a whole bunch of chairs, have a backyard ceremony and then feed everybody punch or something and call it a night! The point, after all, IS the ceremony. Everybody just hung out with us the rest of the time they were in Oregon. It was much more fun just doing whatever (watching old home videos, going to the park, etc.) than having all the dancing and the hullabaloo)
3. I didn’t do the whole bridesmaid thing. Instead I just had my sister hold the rings and then bring them up and my cousin and Dan’s sister were the official witnesses.
So the moral of this story (hee hee) is even if you had a lot of family it could still be done simply :)

]]> by: Sara http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6862 Wed, 25 Feb 2004 14:31:22 +0000 http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6862 I hear what you are saying... I was with my now husband for 5 or 6 years before we got married. We didn't want to have a big "to-do" so when we moved to Oregon we sent out hand written invites only to family members. Because we moved "far away" only the closest 13 family members came to our back-yard, under a $1000 for everything, simple but meaningful wedding. I have to admit I was taking the whole thing really calmly, but there was something about saying the vows (they were NOT the usual ones) that was really special, and I cried a little bit. Each person must do what is best for them of course, but from my own experience don't (which I know you are not) eliminate the idea of getting married, 'cause there is "something" about it, and you don't have to spend all kinds of money to do it. I hear what you are saying…
I was with my now husband for 5 or 6 years before we got married. We didn’t want to have a big “to-do” so when we moved to Oregon we sent out hand written invites only to family members. Because we moved “far away” only the closest 13 family members came to our back-yard, under a $1000 for everything, simple but meaningful wedding.
I have to admit I was taking the whole thing really calmly, but there was something about saying the vows (they were NOT the usual ones) that was really special, and I cried a little bit.
Each person must do what is best for them of course, but from my own experience don’t (which I know you are not) eliminate the idea of getting married, ’cause there is “something” about it, and you don’t have to spend all kinds of money to do it.

]]> by: Kris http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6861 Wed, 25 Feb 2004 07:37:48 +0000 http://www.strangechord.com/2004/02/24/all-this-talk-of-marriage/#comment-6861 I'm in the exact same situation and it's wonderful to hear someone else articulate my dillemma. Personally, whenever I hear Bush or Howard say that hetero marriages should be all about procreation for the good of society, it makes me want to revolt from the whole damn system and become a crack whore or something just out of spite. I’m in the exact same situation and it’s wonderful to hear someone else articulate my dillemma. Personally, whenever I hear Bush or Howard say that hetero marriages should be all about procreation for the good of society, it makes me want to revolt from the whole damn system and become a crack whore or something just out of spite.

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