all this talk of marriage…
Tomorrow morning is Spring registration and I’ll be signing up for Social Movements, Gender & Communications, and a Globalization seminar, which is a “deepening” of my current Globalization class with the same professor and limited to 20 students. It should rock. There are only three more weeks left in this term, so posting will be light. If I go several days without writing an entry, do check in with the “Recently Discovered” sidebar because I quickly insert links over there all the time.
One thing I do want to write about briefly is marriage. Ariel, one of my favorite personality bloggers, posted the other day that she and her sweetie are engaged after being together for six years. Three young women (out of about 15 classmates) in my Women’s Spirituality class are getting hitched this year. Then there’s the whole same-sex marriage explosion lately. Basically, the theme is all around me right now and gets me thinking about it in my own life in a way I haven’t in a while.
Jeremy and I have been partners for four years this June. For years we’ve talked quite freely about the subject of marriage. Both of us have always been on the same page; i.e. not quite ready to make the leap, but coming along quite nicely living and being together, thank you very much.
These past few months, an ironic shift has taken place for me. I’m more certain than ever that I want to spend the rest of my life with Jer, but now that I’m willing to make that commitment, I find myself resisting the idea of marriage on principle. I’ll be blunt: putting up with for years most everyone in our lives pestering us about when we’re going to get married combined with the general societal views and “rules” of marriage make me want to give the whole affair a big middle finger and keep on living together sweetly without getting married. Here’s why:
I really despise what occurs to me as the prevailing attitude that a (straight) couple must get married to legitimize their relationship. I despise that the relationship of a couple who have been living together “too long” without getting married is questioned, as if that relationship is inherently weaker or that there must be something wrong with it if the couple hasn’t married yet. I despise that gay couples don’t automatically have the same rights as Jeremy and I do.
So all of this has me thinking, do we get married? If we do, then I’m adamant we do on our own terms. For starters, I decided a while ago that I would definitely keep my own last name. The whole silly, outdated practice of signifying the woman as the man’s property through the taking of his last name doesn’t sit well for either of us. (More here) Then Jeremy said to me a few weeks ago that he’d be willing to explore the idea of a created last name that both of us would take after marriage. That could be cool.
Another point is the wedding itself. I’m all for a small, discrete, creative, outdoor ceremony, but Jer has three large, mainstream-mentality families that would be really upset if they didn’t get to bear witness. On the other hand, we don’t want to spend a fortune just to buy poofy dresses and tacky food and rent a huge hall for all of these people, in fact, we would barely want to spend anything! Besides the cost, the idea of having a formal, consumerist, all-American wedding makes me cringe, so we might just have to say screw ‘em all and elope at Glacier National Park or something. Whatever happens, I can predict with certainty that it will defy convention and be deeply personal.
I don’t know. I think right now I’m still chewing on the subject and simultaneously feeling very grateful that I have a partner who feels the same way I do about all of this.
Kris said,
February 24, 2004 @ 11:37 pm
I’m in the exact same situation and it’s wonderful to hear someone else articulate my dillemma. Personally, whenever I hear Bush or Howard say that hetero marriages should be all about procreation for the good of society, it makes me want to revolt from the whole damn system and become a crack whore or something just out of spite.
Sara said,
February 25, 2004 @ 6:31 am
I hear what you are saying…
I was with my now husband for 5 or 6 years before we got married. We didn’t want to have a big “to-do” so when we moved to Oregon we sent out hand written invites only to family members. Because we moved “far away” only the closest 13 family members came to our back-yard, under a $1000 for everything, simple but meaningful wedding.
I have to admit I was taking the whole thing really calmly, but there was something about saying the vows (they were NOT the usual ones) that was really special, and I cried a little bit.
Each person must do what is best for them of course, but from my own experience don’t (which I know you are not) eliminate the idea of getting married, ’cause there is “something” about it, and you don’t have to spend all kinds of money to do it.
Sara said,
February 25, 2004 @ 6:44 am
I thought of more stuff to say!
1. I kept my own name. I am a Daley and always will be.
2. About having a large family…you could try the going somewhere far away technique and then inviting people, or you could just rent a whole bunch of chairs, have a backyard ceremony and then feed everybody punch or something and call it a night! The point, after all, IS the ceremony. Everybody just hung out with us the rest of the time they were in Oregon. It was much more fun just doing whatever (watching old home videos, going to the park, etc.) than having all the dancing and the hullabaloo)
3. I didn’t do the whole bridesmaid thing. Instead I just had my sister hold the rings and then bring them up and my cousin and Dan’s sister were the official witnesses.
So the moral of this story (hee hee) is even if you had a lot of family it could still be done simply
Jeremy said,
February 25, 2004 @ 2:41 pm
One of the three sides (yes three) of my family is (in)famous for having people dating for up to seven years before getting married. I wish there was a way to get the legal rights of marriage (hospital visits and to a much lesser degree the tax break) without having to marry.
Having said that if we were to get married, nearly everyone would be ok with having a small wedding party and a big reception.
pdxkona said,
February 26, 2004 @ 1:27 pm
well if you don’t want to think of being married in the legal sense, don’t. i think marriage is not necessarily a self serving act; i think it mostly constitues the feeling that you have something wonderful and want to share that realization with friends. it can be a social construct- wanting to create something sacred within your community (friends, family, etc.)
an analogy-
remember those guys in high school who when called a ‘fag’ or ‘gay’, would freak out or turn red or exhibit some kind of ‘embarrassment’ behaviour? but then there were other guys who would just shrug and continue on with their day. i always found the latter gentlemen to have found themselves. they were comfortable with their sexuality, whatever it was. they knew who they were.
society and ’societal expectations’ are just us-human beings making it up as we go along. it’s not whether we conform or not, it’s whether we are doing what we believe in. and if that happens to fall in with what current society deems ‘normal’, so be it.
for my friends who have gotten married, they all wanted to create something sacred; for themselves and for their community. they were ready to think of marriage on their own terms. they were aware of all of the history construed with ‘wearing white’, aware of the societal expectations, and still deciding at the end of the day that that was what they actually wanted; to wear white. they knew who they were.
Christine said,
February 28, 2004 @ 2:51 pm
Emily
Will add my two cents. Mike and I met through a WW ad that I placed 7yrs ago in March. We met on May 1st, we dated for 2 years, cohabitated for 3 before he proposed….we were married in Dec 2002! I can say I have never been happier….
I did keep my last name, for a variety of reasons, some of which you spoke of. We had a small, simple wedding for only those people who truly mattered to us….counting us and the minister….43 in all. We had a wedding/luncheon/reception. We asked people to donate to the food bank and Mercy Corp in lieu of gifts to us! NO family came altho some were invited…..which I must say was the best gift of all….we created our own vows, we had others take photos with throw away cameras and I had a friend video tape much of the proceedings, I wore RED and we had candles and holly on the tables instead of flower arrangements that would only die. We hired a harpist and the minister, I created my own invitations….I think we spent somewhere in the neighborhood of $1500 for it all….it was really wonderful and just what I wanted.
So, the point….do what makes you two happiest…..the others will move on with their lives either with a resentment or not….if you are paying for it….create the memories that you want NOT what they want…..they are already married….
God bless….
Christine
Calichick said,
March 2, 2004 @ 7:11 pm
Emily - While I only know you thru your blog, it seems you have a fantastic, loving relationship with the guy of your dreams. As for marriage, if you want to, do it on yours and Jeremy’s terms and only your terms. If you chose not to marry, don’t. When it comes down to it, it should be about what is important to the both of you…and the doggies of course
What ever you choose to do, my very best to you! I love your blog and while I don’t always agree with you, you present your thoughts in such a clear, rational and logical way that is so refreshing!
Yah, I know I am slightly off the marriage topic, but decided to cover all my bases at once!
:-)