Strangechord

I can’t tell if I’m either not as good a writer as I always thought I was, or whether I am just so overwhelmed by the need to write something profound, something that will get across to you, that I’m paralyzed most times I sit down to write here.

I tend to approach action very all-or-nothing. When it comes to many things, if I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t want to attempt it at all. Even when I was a kid, when Mom told me I had to clean my bedroom before I could go outside, instead of just shoving everything under the bed or into the closet like a normal kid, I would spend hours really cleaning my room. It bugged me not to - like, as long as I have to do this thing, I want to do it right. It’s a blessing and a curse. It’s a curse when I’m compelled to take action and I stop because I don’t know the “perfect” way to go about it. I’ve broken through this on a number of individual occasions, but then it crops up like a beast’s head regrown to hold me back in another situation. And then I cannot break through again until I recognize this tendency is at work, meet it, and then create another way of “being” around the action. That’s why I’m writing this today.

I have an unreal amount I want to share, about myself and insights I have about the world and current events, etc, and this weblog would be a great place to do that. However, I hold back often because I doubt that my writing will have the intended impact. For example, if something I read about really moves me in a particular way, I’m afraid that my writing about it will not be effective or proficient enough to inspire you to feel as I do. Sometimes I can’t think of any more intelligent analysis on an issue than an emotional rant and so I don’t post about it because I’m afraid my rant will seem dumb and more importantly, won’t get through to you anyway.

This leads me to another question about myself - why it’s so important for me to share with and move you. It’s hugely important to me. People say oh, you have to blog for yourself and not worry about your audience, but I honestly wouldn’t keep this blog if it was just for me. What I’m up to in my life is to make a difference; to effect others to love and appreciate their own humanity and the wonder of the world around them. Plain and simple. I feel empty, hollow, useless if I am not taking consistent actions to make this sort of difference. The dilemma is, I get myself into this mind trap of “such and such action isn’t BIG enough, therefore I’m not going to do it at all.” It’s that all or nothing thing rearing its ugliness. Luckily, I do take lots of little actions, but from time to time I get really stopped and I pull back and just sort of hang out on the periphery.

I’ve been reading one of the most thought-provoking, profound books I’ve ever read, The Culture of Make Believe by Derrick Jensen. Already, just 250 pages in, I am dying to have my friends read it, it is that life-altering a book. I am willing and eager to buy them copies, but this little voice in the back of my head says, “Oh, most if not all of them are too busy to read it or won’t be motivated to because they don’t know how great it is, so why bother sending them a copy?” So I haven’t sent them a copy, because although there is the chance my friends will read Culture and love it as I do, there’s an equal or bigger chance they won’t read it and I’ll feel like a failure - someone who tries to make a difference and doesn’t have what it takes to inspire others.

One of the points Jensen writes about how we know exactly what needs to be done to create the kind of world our hearts long for, we’re just afraid. It’s akin to what I got out of my work with Landmark, where I began to recognize that my fear of not making a difference is exactly the thing holding me back from taking action to make a difference. Does that make sense? I think in many situations I’m so afraid of finding out that what I do doesn’t really matter that I opt for hanging back instead. And then of course, I feel hollow because my life feels so small and I know there’s so much to be done. And I feel terribly sad; my life is passing by and I’m not using it in the biggest, most loving way I could.

So, this new year it’s time for a breakthough. This is my commitment for 2004: I am taking on the possibility of being someone who shares with others and is free to be messy(!). What I mean by messy is that I’m giving up the all or nothing notion around my actions. I’m allowing myself to be a shitty writer at times, or sound dumb or self-righteous (*cringe*) from time to time in a conversation about politics, etc….as long as I am coming from sharing with others, being caring and honest, and then cleaning up whatever messes harmed another. I’m confident this commitment for the new year will enable me to take more action than ever.

What will come in handy is another enormously valuable lesson I got out of Landmark: the awe-inspiring power of being fully straight in one’s communication. I’ve experienced many times the phenomenon of a sour argument transforming into a moment of communion and real forgiveness once I summoned the courage to be authentic and communicate how I really felt and what my commitment is.

This past weekend, a woman I’m close to and I had a conversation about current events in which she accused me of being a cynic after I stated some facts about family farms being a dying breed. (Those who know me best know what an idealist I am!) We were talking about environmentalism and its opponents and she asserted that it was important to respect both sides, that both sides’ intentions were for the best, and that I needed to honor this “diversity” of opinion. I vehemently disagreed, saying that I felt there were people who did not have the best intentions in mind for fellow humans and the earth, who were only concerned with their own profiteering agenda, and I did not feel their opinions deserved the same respect as someone who valued caring for people and the earth. I also said something to the effect of many people being ignorant as to what is really going on in the world.

She got very tight-lipped and started shaking her head and I could tell that what I was saying was not landing as intended; she was in a sort of denial and in that moment I was this cynical and negative paranoid to her. What made a difference finally was when I gave up arguing and instead expressed my commitment in a gentle tone, telling her that I was concerned only with bettering the world, not with going around hating people. I explained to her that my understanding of the word “ignorant” (uninformed, in the dark) was different from “evil” or “stupid”, that in fact, I say what I do because I care so deeply about people, etc… Since she is indeed a loving women herself, she got what I was saying and together, we turned the whole conversation around. Ah, the magic of expressing the commitment, the true feelings lurking underneath the argument.

Anyway! I feel much clearer after writing all of this! (Congrats if you made it this far - thank you.) Happy New Year’s everyone. What are your intentions for the new year?