Strangechord

I feel tired and isolated right now. I’m tired of racing, rushing, doing, doing, being everywhere in my mind but present and at peace. I’m tired of being anxious and terrified about “what I’m going to do with my life” and the daunting pressure I put on myself of having to be someone extraordinary and make my life something memorable and huge. I can’t tell if this pressure comes from the authentic pull to make a difference with my lifetime in service of the world, or whether the desire comes from proving my worth to myself. Every day I live under this crushing weight of proving myself in the world, it’s like I can’t stand existing without doing something huge, yet I’m resisting that I “have to” - I don’t want to - I’m afraid.

I’ve been watching Gangaji the past few Friday nights at 10 PM on a local cable access station. I like what she says around “just stopping”. Just stop seeking, just stop intellectualizing everything, just rest and be present. There’s nothing to figure out, there’s nothing to understand.

I’m noticing my mind immediately goes to fixing this discontent: “What I need to do is…”, “On Thursday, when I have some free time, I’ll spend a few hours making an action item list…” What if I were to just let it be, let myself feel scared and crushed and sad and hopeless without having to rush and pull it all together and figure it out? Fixing only numbs it, covers it, but that unfulfillment is always underneath, poking its nose out. I’m just going to be with what is.