Strangechord

This past week I’ve been distinguishing something I’ve been living my life out of for as long as I can remember. I’ve had it that I am not extraordinary and powerful unless results point to that I am. What I mean is that if I’m out there, on the court of life, playing big, and the desired result doesn’t come out of it, I have it that I must not be that powerful or amazing (at least at the time), or I wouldn’t have failed. This is ridiculous, but in my world it’s been that results = my worth. I mean, never mind that I’m actually playing a big game. taking risks, being unstoppable! In my world, that hasn’t been good enough; I also have to succeed.

What I saw this past weekend is that in my life, I’ve been all about proving myself - to others, but mostly to myself. Every time I’ve failed in life, I made it mean that I’m failing to justify my existence. Somewhere a long time ago, going into all of those strange foster homes, I decided I was broken and had lost some pieces. Since then, I am forever trying to fill those holes, proving my worth, trying to recreate a wholeness that used to be there.

I was in major think of it on Saturday and sobbed and felt hopeless in the face of this…thankfully, a very patient, persistent ILP coach from Seattle (thanks Patricia!) worked with me to keep peeling back the layers. Finally I got to a space of possibility for the future that is a clear triumph, inspires the hell out of me, and has me remember that I’m the one who made up being broken and needing to prove myself in the first place. The possibility is being whole and complete and loved. Like, even if I go out there, play big, and fail at the intended result, it doesn’t mean I’m not extraordinary. I am still whole and complete and loved at the end of the day. I don’t have to prove my worth any longer; all there is to do is keep playing.